Distract Me

Talking to a friend of mine made me realize something: If I do not have something exciting and new to focus on, I will go crazy. I do not do well with spending too much time in front of the television. If I don't have a trip planned, I feel like a loser. If I don't work out, I feel fat. If I don't clean our apartment, I feel like a slob. If I don't have any projects going on, I feel uncreative. I need distractions. Things to keep me busy. Things to focus on. I need distractions ALL THE TIME!

I'm at the point in my life where babies are not too far down the line, should all go well. The thought of being pregnant is kind of soothing. It's okay to get chubby. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to not want to go anywhere. I would be able to eat, relax, sleep, chill without any of the usual guilt. Pregnancy would be a distraction from the usual distractions in my life. I could focus on baby names and the nursery. I could read books on parenting. I could hibernate and nobody would judge me for it, mostly myself.

Now, what worries me is what will happen after I do have a baby. I know the kid will keep me busy, but won't I get sick of that kind of busy-ness quickly, feeling like I'm in a rut, that every day is the same old shit? It won't be as easy to go for a run, or spend hours at the paper store, or on my computer. Planning a trip will entail either making it baby-friendly (OH, GOD, NOOOOO!!!!) or finding a babysitter to watch the child while my baby daddy and I are sipping pinas by the pool for a week. After a baby arrives, how easy will it be then to find a distraction from my regular life? Will I be able to survive without my distractions, or will life mold itself into something different, where the things I love, my distractions, are no longer that important? That would make me sad. For my distractions, the things I do to keep busy, to stay happy, to get through the grind, are what make me who I am.