The Things I'd Like to Say
When I started this blog, I thought that it would be a medium through which I could express myself completely, freely, without worry. But in the back of my mind, always, are the words my mother imparted to me when I was young: Don't ever write something that you don't want someone else to read. This was said after she had read my diary or a letter home addressed to my sister, all the naughty details of my weekends away at college revealed.
I want to be able to talk about my issues with certain people in my life (don't worry... if you are reading this, the issues aren't with you!), talk about my marriage and my husband and all of my little pet peeves, talk about my mom and my co-workers, freely. And chances are that I could do just that and nobody would be any the wiser. But there is that off chance that my husband would mention my blog to someone (a slim chance, at that, since I don't even think he could use the word "blog" properly in a sentence), they would ask me for the address and me being the horrible liar that I am would have to tell the truth and then find myself running to the nearest computer to delete all entries, just in case.
This is always the way with me. If I write an email saying terrible things about somebody, I always worry that subliminally I placed their email address in the TO field. I have friends who have replied to all, only to realize that they called one of the addressees something that you could never lie your way out of. I worry that if I am talking about someone on my cell phone, that maybe the lines were crossed or I worry that I didn't turn my phone off so the comment I made after I thought I had hung up was transmitted to the person said comment was about. This is my fear in life. And why I can't be really open on this blog.
If I'm so afraid of getting caught talking/writing about people, why do I continue to say and do things that would put me in an awkward situation? I don't know. I feel like I have to get it out. I can't help myself. It's a real struggle to keep this blog free of anything that could hurt someone's feelings. I wish I could be like the anonymous man who was going through a rough patch in his marriage, which ended in divorce, and outlined everything that was happening to him in a blog. Every juicy detail, including his failed efforts to save the marriage by allowing his bisexual wife to have threesomes with other women, and her callous way of treating him regardless of those efforts. I was captivated and read the whole thing in the span of 2 days. My blog is so much less interesting than that, and unfortunately for my one or two readers, it will remain that way.
I want to be able to talk about my issues with certain people in my life (don't worry... if you are reading this, the issues aren't with you!), talk about my marriage and my husband and all of my little pet peeves, talk about my mom and my co-workers, freely. And chances are that I could do just that and nobody would be any the wiser. But there is that off chance that my husband would mention my blog to someone (a slim chance, at that, since I don't even think he could use the word "blog" properly in a sentence), they would ask me for the address and me being the horrible liar that I am would have to tell the truth and then find myself running to the nearest computer to delete all entries, just in case.
This is always the way with me. If I write an email saying terrible things about somebody, I always worry that subliminally I placed their email address in the TO field. I have friends who have replied to all, only to realize that they called one of the addressees something that you could never lie your way out of. I worry that if I am talking about someone on my cell phone, that maybe the lines were crossed or I worry that I didn't turn my phone off so the comment I made after I thought I had hung up was transmitted to the person said comment was about. This is my fear in life. And why I can't be really open on this blog.
If I'm so afraid of getting caught talking/writing about people, why do I continue to say and do things that would put me in an awkward situation? I don't know. I feel like I have to get it out. I can't help myself. It's a real struggle to keep this blog free of anything that could hurt someone's feelings. I wish I could be like the anonymous man who was going through a rough patch in his marriage, which ended in divorce, and outlined everything that was happening to him in a blog. Every juicy detail, including his failed efforts to save the marriage by allowing his bisexual wife to have threesomes with other women, and her callous way of treating him regardless of those efforts. I was captivated and read the whole thing in the span of 2 days. My blog is so much less interesting than that, and unfortunately for my one or two readers, it will remain that way.
posted by Tracy at 9:13 AM
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