Thursday, January 17, 2008

3 months to go

One woman in the office has been boosting my ego daily now that I am pregnant. She constantly tells me how skinny, hip, good I look even in my "condition". Being a mother herself, she will laugh and say "enjoy it now" because I guess after the baby arrives, it will be sweatpants and ponytails for me. Personally, I think that my stomach has a really odd shape and my butt doesn't fill out any of my maternity pants, so I feel pointy-stomached and saggy-bottomed most days, hitching up my pants while I huff up and down the hallways of my office. I do love the compliments, though.

I had no idea how my body would change upon becoming pregnant. I was certain my thick-boned German/Norwegian stock would dominate the process. I expected my love handles to form a life-preserver around my waist. I expected a double-chin and a thick neck. Cellulite, stretch marks. Believe me, it hasn't been the most beautiful of transformations, but it also hasn't been as bad as I imagined. I feel out of breath after taking a few short steps, my thighs rub together uncomfortably, my stomach gets in the way of tying my shoes, my larger breasts are overshadowed by my weirdly-shaped tummy. But I can't complain too much. I haven't put on a lot of weight yet, which is what I was most worried about. I didn't want to gain too much too soon. I know the baby starts growing more towards the end so I'll probably make up for it then. I haven't experienced the lustrous locks or fast-growing fingernails that a lot of people told me would be a pregnancy perk, and I don't think I "glow" either. I feel like I need a facial badly. And I don't exercise anymore. I can't see my vagina, so have stopped getting it waxed. People still do not give up their seat on the subway, even though my back hurts when I stand for a while. I burp all the time. I haven't had any spotting or serious cramping or anything else that would be of concern. But my nose might start to bleed. Pros and cons, the entire process.

So if through it all, I am able to maintain a look that doesn't scream "MATERNITY", I will consider that a plus, in a sea of other negatives. The only advice I have for anyone who is pregnant with their first child is to expect the unexpected, because nothing is the way I thought it would be. And as much as this blog may be a very self-centered way of talking all about me, me, me, I want to record it all, to have a diary of the way things were before I had a new bunch of complaints about potty-training and sleepless nights. Hopefully I just won't be in sweatpants and a ponytail while typing those entries.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

To You Both

Baby Girl,
I feel you moving daily now. And today I am having little pains. Nothing serious, but I immediately worry that something is wrong with you. I am attached now. I smile each time I feel you. I tell your daddy "Here, feel your little baby girl move" and place his hand on my belly, over you. We talk about you nightly. What you'll look like. What you'll be like. The worry of being a parent hasn't started yet. Just little worries about the pangs I feel in my crotch or my side. Worries about the pain of childbirth. But you, safe and secure right now, not running around on the streets, or able to be kidnapped or hurt, I don't worry about. Not in that panic-y way I've heard parents describe. And maybe this is too much information for our little girl, but being pregnant with you, with his baby, makes me feel sexy. Seeing him as a soon-to-be father and seeing the progress he has made makes me love him more every day. I'm getting bigger and in a way I'm proud of it... "look at what my man did to me" I want to scream. But there is no need to scream. Everyone can see well enough themselves. My belly grows. It moves. And it's all because of you. How wonderful.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

In the Mid-20s

We've hit the 6 month mark. Remember, that's 6 out of 10, not 9. 4 more to go. I can't wait to put on a pair of jeans that make me feel long and thin. I am hating maternity clothes. I wear my non-maternity clothing as much as possible. A tight sweater does wonders for my esteem, even if I have to wear a belly band under it to avoid showing my navel. I don't even want the clothes in my drawers or closet. I want them gone. I'm not maternity shopping. I am baby shopping. Those clothes are so much cuter than the puffy-sleeved tents they sell to pregnant women. People are starting to notice my bump, but not enough to give me a seat on the subway. I feel good, though I fear a urinary tract infection may be creeping up on me. Typical stuff, I think.

The latest is that I can feel the baby moving more frequently, and, to be honest, it's really sweet. I used to hate seeing pregnant women rubbing their bellies, but now I find myself doing it. It's a way of communicating with her, saying "Mama's here, and can't wait to meet you!" Also, I don't want to miss feeling her move. When she does, it's as if she's responding. Of course, as soon as I grab my husband's hand to let him feel, it stops, but he has been lucky enough to feel it and see it a couple of times. He'll talk into my belly button, telling our baby that he loves her already and that makes me tear up. We wonder a lot about what she'll look like.

I worry that the much-discussed sleep deprivation will turn me into a psycho and that I won't be able to handle motherhood. Then I think about the actual birth, and I start to feel a bit of anxiety. I don't want to moan, grunt and groan like an animal. I don't want to poop on the table. I hope labor doesn't last for days. I hope that when I finally get to hold her, that I feel an instant connection and bond, though I've heard that isn't always the case. I worry about post-partum. I worry about how I will handle too many visitors, and too many people hogging her. Will I be nice? Doubtful. Hopefully her sweetness will make up for my lack of it.