The Things I'd Like to Say

When I started this blog, I thought that it would be a medium through which I could express myself completely, freely, without worry. But in the back of my mind, always, are the words my mother imparted to me when I was young: Don't ever write something that you don't want someone else to read. This was said after she had read my diary or a letter home addressed to my sister, all the naughty details of my weekends away at college revealed.

I want to be able to talk about my issues with certain people in my life (don't worry... if you are reading this, the issues aren't with you!), talk about my marriage and my husband and all of my little pet peeves, talk about my mom and my co-workers, freely. And chances are that I could do just that and nobody would be any the wiser. But there is that off chance that my husband would mention my blog to someone (a slim chance, at that, since I don't even think he could use the word "blog" properly in a sentence), they would ask me for the address and me being the horrible liar that I am would have to tell the truth and then find myself running to the nearest computer to delete all entries, just in case.

This is always the way with me. If I write an email saying terrible things about somebody, I always worry that subliminally I placed their email address in the TO field. I have friends who have replied to all, only to realize that they called one of the addressees something that you could never lie your way out of. I worry that if I am talking about someone on my cell phone, that maybe the lines were crossed or I worry that I didn't turn my phone off so the comment I made after I thought I had hung up was transmitted to the person said comment was about. This is my fear in life. And why I can't be really open on this blog.

If I'm so afraid of getting caught talking/writing about people, why do I continue to say and do things that would put me in an awkward situation? I don't know. I feel like I have to get it out. I can't help myself. It's a real struggle to keep this blog free of anything that could hurt someone's feelings. I wish I could be like the anonymous man who was going through a rough patch in his marriage, which ended in divorce, and outlined everything that was happening to him in a blog. Every juicy detail, including his failed efforts to save the marriage by allowing his bisexual wife to have threesomes with other women, and her callous way of treating him regardless of those efforts. I was captivated and read the whole thing in the span of 2 days. My blog is so much less interesting than that, and unfortunately for my one or two readers, it will remain that way.

Feeling Green

I'm not one prone to jealousy. Yet sometimes the ugly green monster rears its head at the most surprising times. For example, I am currently really happy with my job. I like what I'm doing, I love my hours and I'm even getting a bit of praise for the work I've been doing. All is well. The situation I came out of, although within the same company, was hell to my new-found heaven.

We are in the process of the company merger, which means people are being shuffled. I am staying in my current spot - a dark corner of the building, the only semblance of sunshine coming from the lightbox behind my desk. My old department, which hasn't changed much at all since I left, is moving. I am still close with those people; after all, we worked together for 7 years under extremely stressful situations. You're bound to grow tight.

So when I went by yesterday to say hello and saw all their boxes being packed, I felt a little nostalgic. It will be the first time I will not be moving along with them. In addition, I was shown the new area that they will be residing. They have windows! And wide open space! And extra desks! They have space for couches and are hoping to make it into a little lounge/bar area! I have to admit that I was jealous.

In addition, they are in the midst of a big project and all of them (and this is a first) will be going down to DC for four nights and staying in a gorgeous boutique hotel, with their families in tow! Again, I am so jealous. I feel left out. Like I used to be part of the popular crowd but then one day I wore the wrong jeans and now they don't talk to me anymore.

Do I miss the chaos and the long hours and the weekends spent in the office? No. But I do miss my friends. And I miss being part of something exciting. And I would love a window by my desk and a gorgeous hotel room and dinners out. I guess these are the perks that make them want to continue doing what I used to do. At the end of the day, the perks weren't enough for me. So I suppose it's finally setting in - it's time for me to truly move on and to accept where I am now in my life and realize how much better this is for me. It's just hard to realize that I am no longer one of them. After all, they are bound to grow tighter and I will no longer fit into that decreasing space between them.